Behind Belinda’s Desk: The Worst Things We’ve Ever Found in a Dress Rental Return

Warning: this one is not for the faint-hearted.

After almost 10 years of renting dresses, sending them all over Australia and dressing women for everything from weddings and race days to birthdays, formals, galas and events where we probably don't want to know what happened after midnight… you can imagine we've seen a few things.

Dresses come back with fake tan.

Makeup.

Wine.

Champagne.

Food.

Mud.

Mystery stains we choose not to investigate too closely.

All pretty standard territory when you own a dress rental business.

But every now and then, we open a return satchel and collectively think:

What. The. Actual. Fuck.

So, in the interests of pulling back the curtain on what really happens behind the scenes of a dress rental business, here are three of the more memorable things we've received back at Your Secret Closet.

And yes. Unfortunately, they're all true.

Number One: The Actual Biohazard

There is no elegant way to tell this story.

We once had a dress returned covered in human faeces.

And when I say covered, I don't mean there was a little accident somewhere on the dress.

It was on the dress.

It was inside the dress.

It had somehow worked its way into the actual seams of the garment.

The only way I can describe what we were looking at is that the dress appeared to have been used as toilet paper.

And then…

it was put into a return satchel and posted back to us.

Now imagine that satchel sealed up for several days making its way through the postal system.

I'll leave the smell to your imagination.

Personally, if this were me, I would have been absolutely fucking mortified.

I think my email would have read something along the lines of:

"Belinda, something horrific has happened. I have destroyed your dress. Please charge me for it and under no circumstances open the satchel."

But no.

Back she came.

At that point, there wasn't even a conversation about whether the dress could be saved.

We would never hand something in that condition to our dry cleaner and expect them to deal with it. Nor would I expect one of my staff to handle a garment contaminated to that extent.

The dress went straight in the bin.

Ten years in business and that one still holds the title.

Number Two: Ladies, Please Keep Your G-Strings

This one happens considerably more often than you'd think.

Underwear.

Specifically, G-strings.

Our working theory is that after a very good night, the next morning goes something like this:

Find dress.

Take dress off floor.

Ball dress up.

Put dress in return satchel.

Find anything vaguely located near dress.

Put that in satchel too.

Post.

Then one of us opens the return a few days later, pulls out the dress, gives it a shake and…

Hello, G-string.

Ladies.

With love.

We do not want your panties.

Please keep them.

There is something uniquely humbling about running a fashion business and realising that part of your team's job description has somehow become retrieving someone else's used underwear from an Express Post satchel.

And before anyone asks: no, we don't have a lost property box for them.

Number Three: Period Accidents

This one is different because there is absolutely no judgement attached to the accident itself.

Periods happen.

Leaks happen.

Bodies are bodies.

And we've had dresses returned with period blood on them on more than one occasion.

That isn't the problem.

The problem is when nobody tells us.

Because somebody at our end has to open that satchel.

Somebody has to handle that dress.

And then somebody has to prepare it to go to our dry cleaner, who also needs to handle it.

A tiny heads-up makes an enormous difference.

Send us an email.

Pop a note inside the satchel.

Call us.

Just say:

"I'm so sorry, I've had an accident in the dress. There's some blood on it, so please be careful when opening the return."

That's it.

No embarrassment.

No judgement.

No staff-room announcement.

No Instagram Story titled "You'll Never Guess What Sarah From Sydney Did This Weekend."

We deal with hundreds of women and we understand that these things happen.

We'll handle it discreetly.

But giving us a heads-up means our team can put gloves on and handle the garment appropriately rather than discovering it unexpectedly.

And that really is the point of this story.

We're Not Expecting Dresses to Come Back Perfect

We rent clothes for people to live in.

We know you're going to weddings.

You're going to the races.

You're dancing.

You're eating.

You're drinking.

You're sitting on questionable chairs at 1am.

You're wearing fake tan.

You're wearing makeup.

You're having a bloody good time.

That's what the dresses are for.

We don't expect a rental to come back looking like nobody touched it.

And after almost a decade doing this, it takes quite a lot to shock us.

But there is a difference between a dress coming back dirty and sending somebody a genuine biological hazard without warning them.

Sometimes the most considerate thing you can do is simply tell us what happened.

Trust me, we've probably seen worse.

And if it's something particularly catastrophic, we'd much rather receive an embarrassing email from you than unknowingly open a satchel that's been fermenting in Australia Post for three days.

So, What's the Worst?

If we're ranking the podium after nearly 10 years:

🥇 Human faeces

🥈 Used G-strings

🥉 Period blood

Although I think I can safely speak for everyone who has ever worked at Your Secret Closet when I say:

We'll take period blood over human faeces any day of the week.

And with spring events kicking off around Australia, consider this your little public service announcement from behind Belinda's desk:

Have an amazing time.

Wear the dress.

Dance in it.

Drink the champagne.

Make some questionable decisions if you must.

Just please…

check the dress before you put it back in the satchel.

And maybe check your underwear is still with you.

Now I Want to Hear From the Rental Girls…

If you own a rental boutique, work in one, or rent your wardrobe through a peer-to-peer platform, I KNOW we're not alone.

What's the wildest thing you've ever had returned?

The thing that made you open a parcel and think:

What the actual fuck?

Tell us.

Because after nearly 10 years Behind Belinda's Desk, I have a feeling we've only scratched the surface.